Sunday, February 14, 2010

Love, New Zealand Style

By LeKeith * Other LeKeith Posts

While I bemoan the end of the Flight of the Conchords television series, I think of what they have left me. Reviewing their lessons via their albums, the teachings of Bret, Jermaine and even Murray have prepared me for times like Valentine's. So, "For all the Ladies in the World," here is how romance is done, the FOTC way.

First, find a lady. This can happen one of two ways: She can notice you, check out your "Sugalumps," and introduce herself. Or, you can notice her, and go over to her. Pay her a compliment; she is "the Most Beautiful Girl (in the Room)" after all. There is the third way but it should be avoided if at all possible: You and your buddy should not "both be in Love with a Sexy Lady." It's not what "Friends" do.

After the initial contact and a Keh-bahb, you might want to take things to the boudoir. Hold up, "You Don't Have to Be a Prostitute." Always remember: "A Kiss is Not a Contract". Go through a checklist: Learn her last name. Make sure she isn't a high class prostitute, despite your compliment. Make sure she's not your friend's ex-girlfriend. Confirm that she is not a "Demon Woman." Once these objectives are cleared, and "If You're Into It," it should be Wednesday; that's "Business Time." Enjoy but proceed with caution the first time. Even though "You Told Her You Were Freaky," she thought you were joking. Wait until next Wednesday to show her you were serious.

Sadly, the FOTC method does not contain a way to end things happily. It could turn "Carol Brown" at any given moment. To delay the inevitable, hide all bus timetables so she can't take one out of town. Of course, the "Au Revior" will still take place. When that happens, start chopping onions; it will give you a reason to say "I'm Not Crying." But remember the old adage: It is better to have loved than to be left holding a yellow notepad, muttering "Leggy Blonde" to yourself. Or, you could enter a state of complex denial, "Ramble Through the Avenues of Time," and make up a completely new girlfriend.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

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