The Antiquated Game

By ned & by Guest Co-Author Word Gnome * Other ned Posts

The American Squash Society is attempting all out war to win over the hearts and minds of a new generation of squash fans and players.

Squash reached its height of popularity in the Victorian era. The four walls of the squash court seemed to embody the trapped emotions most felt; the black ball matched their outfits. The modern name "squash" also comes from this time period as its original name "Butternuts" was too suggestive.

However, the game fell out of favor when it became the game of Herbert Hoover and no bailout has brought it back since. The seventies were perhaps the low point when the professional game lost its sponsorship by a single malt distillery and had to rely on support from a manufacturer of blends. But with modern techniques the A.S.S. feels it can reach people it could not before - perhaps even as far south as Paramus.

One failed effort to spread its renown in New York City was Squash!, the recent scratch ticket lotto game. The ticket came in all white except after Labor Day. Winning tickets returned without protective eyewear were voided.

The game produced an outcry in country clubs from Larchmont to Montauk. They never would have wished that their beloved “antiquated game” be simply given to the masses. An alternative method was needed and a debate rages on.

“If the game is played in great concentration by the wealthy, it will certainly trickle down to the masses,” stated William K. Pinniford IV, varsity player at Cornell majoring in Hotel Management.

Others support improving the games image through charity work. However, recent efforts have not proven successful. A.S.S. recently tried to send squash balls and racquets to Haiti, but the gift was turned down by Former President Bush who said "We don't need trinkets. Just send cash." Executives at Disney - avid squash players themselves - have been filtering through applications for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to find the right candidate to build a squash court in a home to no avail.

However, there has been some luck with product placements. Thanks to a hefty check, Paris Hilton never leaves home with out herbedazzeld squash ball earrings. Also, a video of the "chocolate rain" YouTube sensation playing squash in a Tron man outfit under a cloud of Diet Coke - Mentos explosions has gone viral.

A.S.S.'s efforts do appear to be making some gains. Martini sales around Grand Central Station - a traditional positive indicator of squash's popularity - have soared in recent months. With any luck, a new generation of players will come up, perhaps even children prepping in public schools with dreams of going to Swarthmore or Kenyon.

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The is of course satire and the names and organizations are made up.

The authors - let it be known - enjoy the game of squash and actually came up with this premise while playing a spirited match.