Sunday, February 14, 2010

Love, New Zealand Style

By LeKeith * Other LeKeith Posts

While I bemoan the end of the Flight of the Conchords television series, I think of what they have left me. Reviewing their lessons via their albums, the teachings of Bret, Jermaine and even Murray have prepared me for times like Valentine's. So, "For all the Ladies in the World," here is how romance is done, the FOTC way.

First, find a lady. This can happen one of two ways: She can notice you, check out your "Sugalumps," and introduce herself. Or, you can notice her, and go over to her. Pay her a compliment; she is "the Most Beautiful Girl (in the Room)" after all. There is the third way but it should be avoided if at all possible: You and your buddy should not "both be in Love with a Sexy Lady." It's not what "Friends" do.

After the initial contact and a Keh-bahb, you might want to take things to the boudoir. Hold up, "You Don't Have to Be a Prostitute." Always remember: "A Kiss is Not a Contract". Go through a checklist: Learn her last name. Make sure she isn't a high class prostitute, despite your compliment. Make sure she's not your friend's ex-girlfriend. Confirm that she is not a "Demon Woman." Once these objectives are cleared, and "If You're Into It," it should be Wednesday; that's "Business Time." Enjoy but proceed with caution the first time. Even though "You Told Her You Were Freaky," she thought you were joking. Wait until next Wednesday to show her you were serious.

Sadly, the FOTC method does not contain a way to end things happily. It could turn "Carol Brown" at any given moment. To delay the inevitable, hide all bus timetables so she can't take one out of town. Of course, the "Au Revior" will still take place. When that happens, start chopping onions; it will give you a reason to say "I'm Not Crying." But remember the old adage: It is better to have loved than to be left holding a yellow notepad, muttering "Leggy Blonde" to yourself. Or, you could enter a state of complex denial, "Ramble Through the Avenues of Time," and make up a completely new girlfriend.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Antiquated Game

By ned & by Guest Co-Author Word Gnome * Other ned Posts

The American Squash Society is attempting all out war to win over the hearts and minds of a new generation of squash fans and players.

Squash reached its height of popularity in the Victorian era. The four walls of the squash court seemed to embody the trapped emotions most felt; the black ball matched their outfits. The modern name "squash" also comes from this time period as its original name "Butternuts" was too suggestive.

However, the game fell out of favor when it became the game of Herbert Hoover and no bailout has brought it back since. The seventies were perhaps the low point when the professional game lost its sponsorship by a single malt distillery and had to rely on support from a manufacturer of blends. But with modern techniques the A.S.S. feels it can reach people it could not before - perhaps even as far south as Paramus.

One failed effort to spread its renown in New York City was Squash!, the recent scratch ticket lotto game. The ticket came in all white except after Labor Day. Winning tickets returned without protective eyewear were voided.

The game produced an outcry in country clubs from Larchmont to Montauk. They never would have wished that their beloved “antiquated game” be simply given to the masses. An alternative method was needed and a debate rages on.

“If the game is played in great concentration by the wealthy, it will certainly trickle down to the masses,” stated William K. Pinniford IV, varsity player at Cornell majoring in Hotel Management.

Others support improving the games image through charity work. However, recent efforts have not proven successful. A.S.S. recently tried to send squash balls and racquets to Haiti, but the gift was turned down by Former President Bush who said "We don't need trinkets. Just send cash." Executives at Disney - avid squash players themselves - have been filtering through applications for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to find the right candidate to build a squash court in a home to no avail.

However, there has been some luck with product placements. Thanks to a hefty check, Paris Hilton never leaves home with out herbedazzeld squash ball earrings. Also, a video of the "chocolate rain" YouTube sensation playing squash in a Tron man outfit under a cloud of Diet Coke - Mentos explosions has gone viral.

A.S.S.'s efforts do appear to be making some gains. Martini sales around Grand Central Station - a traditional positive indicator of squash's popularity - have soared in recent months. With any luck, a new generation of players will come up, perhaps even children prepping in public schools with dreams of going to Swarthmore or Kenyon.

- - - - -
The is of course satire and the names and organizations are made up.

The authors - let it be known - enjoy the game of squash and actually came up with this premise while playing a spirited match. 

Monday, February 1, 2010

Mixtape Mondays - Disenchanted Love

In honor of Valentine's Day and its often unmet expectations (yes, we have some ex-emo kids on staff), we present to you a mix of disenchanted love.

Special thanks to Howard Han of who contributed some song recommendations:

Music Playlist at

Songs Included and contributors rationale:

"Denial Revisited" - The Offspring: Im embarrassed to say this, but I listened to the offspring beyond 'keep them separated' and pretty fly for a white guy. For me, this has always been the perfect break up song: two people know that it's over, one of them is walking away but the other just won't let go. In the end, however, he knows that it's over.

"It Ain't Me Babe" - Bob Dylan: The ultimate 'f&#$ you song' for a girl. It says, "you know what, everything you need, i don't have and won't give to you girl."

"Love Will Tear Us Apart" - Joy Division. Title says it all.

"No Children"- Mountain Goats: This song is what I would play if I knew I was getting a divorce.

"Fuck You Lucy"- Atmosphere:  I listened to this song the first I was really heartbroken. For me, it expresses all of the negative/raw emotions associated with breaking up with someone.

"Come Pick Me Up" - Ryan Adams: For me, anti-love songs are about hurtint he other person as much as they've hurt you. This song has a lot of that.

 "Song for the Dumped - ben folds five (Yes we did find a japanese version!)
"Dakota" - Stereophonics
"Dry Your Eyes Mate" - the Streets
"(I Hate) Everything About You" - Three Days Grace 
"Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" - Nancy Sinatra 
"Positive Tension" - Bloc Party
"Tiny Vessels" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Kiss Off" - Violent Femmes
"Funeral" - Saves the Day  
"Emily Kane" - Art Brut
"Lost Cause" - Beck
 "Driftwood" - Cursive
"Dickhead" - Kate Nash
"90 Mile Waterwall" - The National
 "Piece of My Heart" - Janis Joplin
"Get Yo Shit" - Black Joe Lewis
"Me/A Man/Then Jim" - Rilo Kiley
"50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" - Paul Simon "
"I Should Have Known Better" - She + Him