Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Short Dialogues with Inanimate Objects

By ned * Other ned Posts

Ned:   I know this is kinda awkward.  (looks shyly away)  You might remember me. We used to hang out ... like a year ago.  I really liked your unfiltered tap water and I was kinda hoping we could hang out for a night.  
The City of New York:  Ned, you were great.  Really you were.  But San Francisco! For all of this (New York shakes its "Bronx" in a sassy manner)!  I mean even Mets fans feel pity for the A's ... Knicks fans look down on the Golden State Warriors! 
Ned:  Its not like I am asking you to marry me.  Come on! It would be fun.  We can even go above 14th street?   
The City of New York:  I dunno.  You hurt me real good, Ned.  When you sang New York, New York at Sing Sing Karaoke - I thought it was going to last, well, forever.
Ned:  (Bats eyelashes)  Just a night?  I know how you miss my puns. Plus I have something that belongs to you.
The City of New York:  Ok, fine.  whatever.  Just as long as I get my "I HEART NY" t-shirt back.  
Ned: No problem

War Telegram STOP

Dear Right Argyle Sock, STOP

The Secretary of the Wardrobe has asked me to express his deepest regrets that your life partner is believed to be lost in action.  STOP

Your sole mate has been reported Missing-in-Action at the Lucy Garbello Laundrymat on Grant Street in San Francisco since May 15th.  Remains matching the description of a left blue argyle sock (size 9-12) have yet to be found. STOP

When we receive more information, you will be promptly notified.  The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your sock brethren of all shapes and colors in your tragic loss. STOP
Dear Mr. Young,

I am submitting a formal complaint regarding your patronage in me this past Thursday.

Your attire was simply unbecoming for the Happy Fun Time Burger establishment.  Just because you wear a nehru collared shirt, birkenstocks, and John Lennon glasses does not make you an intellectual who is able to comment on the finer points of hamburgery.  Your inane babel on the cultural role of Iron Man 2 certainly doesn’t either.

The dishes you ordered were banal at best.  American is a poor man’s muenster and “tartar” is not more elegant or "new age." You might as well have bitten into a petri dish of ecoli and ordered a side of lawsuits to save us the trouble. 

Given your stupidity and the costs we incurred in lost brand equity, I would like to request that you either pay us more money or serve us a free meal.  This is fair compensation for the disservice you did to the rest of our clientele by your mere existence. 

Have a good life.

Happily Fun-Timely Yours,
The Happy Fun Time Burger at Grant and Vallejo  


Dear light blue urbane/euro cut polo,

Please don't hate me because I have spilled on you every time I have worn you.

I found you on that discount rack in the summer of 2008. But just because you were on sale, baby, doesn't mean there is a percentage off my love for you.
I hurt you because its how i show my love. So let me apply my tide stick and make everything better.

Dear Mr. Young

I wish to provide you a consultation on a condition which has been painfully brought to my attention.

The levels of methane gas trapped in my cushions over the past week suggest the high probability of an irritable bowel; the peanut scent suggests over-consumption of Thai. 

Just because I was your grandparents's possession does not mean that I find it acceptable that you have their gaseous schedule.

As I lack specialized medical credentials to formally appraise your situation, I recommend you get a second opinion from your bedsheets.

This recommendation is covered by your health insurance in a literal sense.  Your unopened mail from the past month is sitting on my left cushion. 

Your Couch, M.D.