Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Atomic Balm

By Doug Lieblich * Other Doug Lieblich Posts

Atomic Balm


Top Secret Code Cable: US472-110-2XIZ- Date: 11/23/06

Subject: Atomic Balm Ready for Commercial Use!!!

An Urgent Message from The Pentagon:

Since the age of the atom, scientists have thirsted to harness the awesome power of nuclear energy for a cause that could truly help mankind: lip balm. First created in a secret conference in 1941 called the Epidermal Project, the Atomic Balm was used to prevent a long war over supple skin, a war which may have cost many lives due to the most nefarious scourge, dryness.

The Atomic Balm is an FDA-approved method of fighting Communism. In 1956, we lost the Balm monopoly; moisturizing tests in the Ural Mountains indicated that the Soviets did indeed get their hands (and lips) on the Balm—soon a race for international supremacy in kiss-ability and poutiness was in full swing.

For decades, it seemed that the public would be deprived of the awesome power of the world’s most potent lip balm…UNTIL NOW!

With the fall of the Kremlin and a tragic toxic spill off the Pacific coast resulting in a glut of Nuclear Jelly (delicious Nuclear Jelly), our loss is your gain!

That’s right! The commercial Atomic Balm designed for civilian use is dropping on unsuspecting shelves in a store near you! It’s the military-industrial-cosmetic complex at its best!

We’re liquidating all of our Atomic Balms, nuclear, thermonuclear, blue raspberry, and hydrogen: EVERYTHING MUST GO!

Aside from containing irritable, red, Commie lips, Atomic Balm is an effective moisturizer for even the flakiest face. Just apply a liberal dab of the cream and rub vigorously onto the face until the milky fluid congeals into a glittering gel. Now that’s radioactively clear.

Tired of getting cracked lips in winter, dry scalp from low humidity, or damaged skin from raccoon fights? Well with Atomic Balm’s patented radioactive technology you’ll now be shouting, “My blood hurts, but my skin is so eerily smooth!” Straight from the think tanks in the Pentagon, we guarantee that the Atomic Balm will leave you glowing!

Note: Atomic Balm may cause a popping sensation in your ears and leave a residue with a texture similar to that of old yogurt. Do not be alarmed. President Eisenhower requested this effect.


“At first, I was concerned with Atomic Balm’s handwritten label and a little put off that it came in a lead jar, but when I realized that the Pentagon did not test on animals I was S-O-L-D. After 9 years, 5 months, and 41 days of mashing my face into that delicious “God-cream,” I am A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D!” –John Grover, 45

“$19.95 a bottle? That’s only 8000 rubles! These prices are so outrageously low, I almost wish I were still able to deploy some of them in Cuba! Damn you, you capitalist dogs.”- Ghost of Nikita Kruschev

Possible side effects of the Atomic Balm include eczema, headache, stomach ache, back ache, achy break heart, belly ache, leg ache, Mutually Assured Destruction, red eyes, and dry mouth

Atomic Balm: “It’s The Balm!”

1 comment:

  1. We often use them to remind us to tune the radio and listen to our favorite programs. Many people use them to remind their schedules to come and go.

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